


out of all these things i've done (i think i love you better now)

by firelordnayeon



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, all the characters except sahyo barely appear, no kang daniel does NOT appear, rich!jihyo woohoo, sana is a lil shit, squint for dubchaeng, squint for mimo, squint for natzu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 17:42:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20411740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firelordnayeon/pseuds/firelordnayeon
Summary: sana spouts philosophy as a defense mechanism and flaunts a Sailor Moon backpack, while jihyo can't decide which of them is more scared of commitmentalternatively,park jihyo comes to the realization that she still has a lot of growing up to do





	out of all these things i've done (i think i love you better now)

**Author's Note:**

> um this is my first fic so go easy on me lol (and forgive me for any typos)

jihyo sighed at the sight at hand, a stark naked sana rummaging through her underwear drawer completely unbothered. she had a blue hardbound book in one hand. the steam from the shower was still hot on jihyo's skin and it made her feel sleepy. a week ago sana would’ve been off long before this, 2 am was way beyond her usual jihyo-imposed curfew. she momentarily glanced up, sent a wink in jihyo’s direction and promptly resumed underwear scout.

  


only when sana found something she liked and clumsily slipped it on with her free hand did jihyo move. “don’t bother returning it,” she told sana.

  


she eyed sana’s belongings on the floor; a pastel pink hoodie, black leggings, a Sailor Moon backpack, a cigarette box with a blacked out hentai print, a tattered copy of hegel’s “phenomenology of spirit” adorning the carpeted floor. 

  


“i have to read,” said sana, meaning she had to leave, since she deemed jihyo’s white walls (which were painted precisely to serve jihyo’s academic concentration) too bright for reading. jihyo started to dress. it was raining outside.

  


“i’m not stopping you.” sana slid her hands up jihyo’s silk clad body, stopping at the hairs at the back of jihyo’s neck to caress her nape just the way she liked. the younger practically melted into her touch. she rested her hands delicately on sana's waistline. sana’s hands always felt safe, like the smell of coffee in the mornings. 

  


funny, the comparison. because sana has never stayed the whole night, so they never had coffee together. she always had things to do after midnight; visit the subway (this was something she actually did), some philosophy reading circle, or one of her bizarre jobs. if nothing, then jihyo would kick her out in fear that her staying the night would break an unspoken boundary. 

  


she glanced up and down at sana’s body, bare except for her a pair of flimsy panties that did a terrible job of covering her bum, repeatedly reminding herself that she couldn’t be tempted for another round regardless of how good sana looked, because she desperately needed sleep and her parents were going to visit in the morning, so she settled for pecking sana’s jaw a couple of times. 

  


“what are you reading?” jihyo enquired without pointing at the book. 

  


“keats’ letters.” 

  


“what for?” 

  


“i have a class on the romantics this semester. we’re not doing this but i think this is more interesting than the syllabus,” sana kissed her hair a few times. it felt oddly domestic, and jihyo supposed far too many of their activities could be tagged the same.

  


sana didn’t really sleep much, only in the day. jihyo initially assumed she spent most of her time partying (that’s how they met) but now she realised she could never keep track of what sana did. 

  


“if you’re going to ask what i’m doing after that, i have a 5 am shift at a kebab joint in sindang-dong,” sana said, reading jihyo’s mind, and let her process the newfound information. that was an hour away from where they were, apparently some morons needed to eat kebabs at five in the morning. jihyo paused to swallow, thought long and hard before saying it. 

  


“have you considered what we talked about the other day?” at this, sana let go of her hands and walked away, plopping herself down on the enormous bed with a sigh. of course, it wasn’t wise to bring it up. of course, jihyo knew how patronising it was of her to be even thinking like this, much less making the offer.

  


“gross. i’m not taking any money from you,” sana scoffed, clearly annoyed.

  


“it’s not like i’m just giving it to you, you’ll have to pay it back. besides, it’s not like you’re living the best life,” jihyo tried to rationalise, biting through the slight dejection.

  


“everything’s hard because you’re young,” she prophesised. this is what sana excelled at, being vague and stupid. it annoyed the other woman to no end.

  


“who said that? kierkegaard?” she countered. sana laughed, more like a giggle. then she walked back to jihyo, took her hand and pulled her close. smile glowing. 

  


sana leaned in to kiss her but jihyo moved her face away, unable to decipher the situation, but quickly nuzzled her face into sana’s neck to not seem like she was being hostile. sana ruffled her hair, “you should turn on the radio more often, jihyo-chan. that was IU.” 

  


hearing this, jihyo let out an embarrassed laugh. but she wasn’t deterred yet. if park jihyo was anything, it was stubborn, that’s how she made it in this world, after all. she understood well, why sana wouldn’t want anything from her. it would upset the strange balance of what they have, much more of a limbo.

  


_ you’re just helping out,  _ she told herself, _ money doesn’t even mean much.  _

  


“sana, you’re a stripper.” 

  


“that was last week, pabo-ya. i quit. i just told you i’m making kebabs now, didn’t i?” sana replied. “and i have told you before that it wasn’t because i’m strapped for money, it was an experiment.”

  


“an experiment? have you lost it? on what?” jihyo questioned, baffled. she tried to think of some logic. of course, some people sripped because they liked it, some did it for money. but jihyo never understood how sana could be so disconnected from the act to consider it as an experiment. 

  


“hegel’s master/slave dialectic,” jihyo didn’t understand and sana didn’t explain further.

  


_ am i an experiment too? _ she wondered but couldn't bring herself to say. jihyo found herself at a loss for words. 

  


all of a sudden, jihyo felt nostalgic, perhaps she should call her younger sisters. it’s something two years of university, paying water bills and having to buy vegetables made her feel. but this time, it was sana. jihyo usually felt somewhat overwhelmed when she couldn’t understand things. she imagined herself in her bed back at her parents’ house. her mother making dinner. her dog sleeping under her bed. glow in the dark pokemons on the ceiling. all of it a pure fantasy. because she doesn’t know what she’s nostalgic for, life’s never been neat and simple in the first place.

  


she wondered what nayeon would say. she’d probably tell her to find someone who treated her better, just to be nice. but that was just a farce. she herself waited years for tzuyu to be ready for a relationship, even though it felt like a prolonged torture. im nayeon was a hopeless romantic.

  


_ you’re in love with sana anyway _ , a voice reminded her. 

  


“park jihyo,” sana’s voice brought her back to reality. her gaze was soft but intent, like she was being honest. “don’t think too much of it, eh? i’m doing okay, i promise” 

  


unable to trust her voice, jihyo nodded briskly, returning the japanese girl’s smile.  _ woman _ , not a girl. a beautiful, genuine one at that. the most beautiful. 

  


“get out now,” jihyo said with a taunting tone, in an attempt to hide her blush.

  


sana grinned so wide it warmed jihyo’s heart. 

  


just like that, sana got up and slipped on her pink sweatshirt and then her leggings. she delicately put on her blue canvas shoes, and carelessly picked up her back. jihyo could tell it was an old bag by just that action. 

  


"don't scrub the place too hard after i leave, sweetheart, your rich friends won't smell the broke college student off of you," she teased back, and although jihyo should have defended herself, for her friends knew who sana was. just not the details of what they were.

  


and then without a thought, sana strode over to jihyo’s side and pecked her on the cheek before disappearing from her bedroom. a second later, the front door was slammed shut. jihyo walked out and checked to see if she was actually gone. she felt slightly ashamed for how she cleaned up after sana left, and then decided she couldn’t decide whether she liked or hated how empty the apartment felt whenever sana left.

  


.

  
  
  
  
  


tens of teenage girls swarmed the subway station, carrying banners and lightsticks, parading in their best clothes, anticipating what they thought would be the best night of their lives. excitement vivid, crystal clear on their faces as they squealed and chatted on the platform. there was concert nearby. 

  


jihyo fiddled with the ends of her coat as she ate her ice cream. sana watched the crowd of girls with thoughtful eyes. she thought of the excitement she felt when she attended her first NMB48 concert back in osaka. in all her fourteen year old glory. 

  


she then took jihyo’s fidgety hand to intertwine their fingers, and brought to her lips to kiss the back of it, squeezing it to calm her down. it worked, jihyo stilled.

  


a train appeared. sana didn’t stand up.

  


“what are you doing? our train is here,” jihyo gestured towards the platform, but sana insisted that they sit on the bench. 

  


jihyo’s large eyes glinted in the lit up station as she questioningly stared at her. but sana knew how sentimental jihyo got, underneath all that stoicism and level-headedness. how if it weren’t for her parents and her iron fisted ambitions she’d be going out like one of those girls even now.

silence fell upon the platform as the horde emptied out into the train. 

  


“the next train will be here in five minutes. i know you don’t want to be in there with those annoying pre-teen girls.” 

  


jihyo seemed to understand and sat back down. they ate their ice cream in silence for a few moments.

  


“i don’t see why we should be taking the metro when i have a totally functional car,” the law student brought up.

  


“oh, your mercedes is more than functional, babe,” sana chuckled, “but i think it’s good for the experience, just like that date we just had.”

  


jihyo had taken them to an extravagant italian restaurant in gangnam as a non-date, because they didn’t want to call it that. 

“oh, so you didn’t enjoy it...you could’ve told me,” jihyo’s face fell at sana’s comment. she felt guilty immediately. her voice small and hesitant.

  


it was true, sana did not like the date. she felt terribly underdressed and out of place, just like how out of place jihyo looked at the subway station, exactly the breed that most likely considered the train too unhygienic. she hadn’t understood anything on the menu. the confusion reached its peak when she discovered four forks next to her plate, none of which she knew how to use, and all the while she wished she could just ask for some chopsticks. 

  


but the food was nice, and jihyo was a great conversationalist. she loved talking about music and her younger sisters and her best friends, nayeon and jeongyeon. she laughed heartily at sana’s jokes, it was too adorable. 

  


and most of all she was fighting tooth and nail to do the right thing. jihyo was always trying to do the right thing. in the back of sana’s mind, this backhanded way of taking her small revenge on her did feel wrong. 

  


so sana couldn't help but deny what jihyo was implying. she rubbed her thumb on the back of jihyo’s hand. it was warm and small, just like how jihyo looked for a fraction of a second.

  


“i liked it, just like how you’re going to like a ride home on the subway, and how you liked last night,” jihyo groaned. she was glad for the change of subject, but not this again. 

  


“ugh, why do you love being spanked so much?” she lamented sana's sexual fantasies. in addition to being a constant pain in jihyo’s ass, she also had an insatiable sex drive, to jihyo’s exhaustion. sana faux gasped in return.

  


“don’t tell me you didn’t absolutely love it. i’m just going to wait until you say yes to my other suggestion.” sana grinned cheekily.

  


“absolutely not. i’m not cuffing you and then pegging you. no way.” jihyo declared assertively. the mere thought of it was too much for her. she was already too rough with sana in bed.

  


“okay, then. i guess you don’t have it in you like i thought. we won’t do it if you don’t want to,” sana teased before she leaned in, and jihyo quickly mirrored her almost automatically. sana kissed her slowly, making sure she could taste the younger's full lips, mouths met flesh to flesh. sana wasn't bothered by the lipgloss she was probably eating, jihyo was too irresistible. 

  


they broke away and finished their ice-creams. the next train arrived. 

  


“can we take the next one?” jihyo suggested. sana laughed and nodded fervently. five more minutes it was.

  


the station was busy again, people walked by as if in a hurry. probably wanting to get home. a group of boys hooted at each other and made loud noises. 

  


“do you ever think of what you’re going to do next?” jihyo counted the tiles on the floor of this slightly older station as she asked the question, mostly to herself.

  


sana hated thinking about the future. well, she liked to think of the abstract future; justice and dystopia and finding meaning and all that jack. but not what comes next, after the philosophy degree, it’s not very promising. 

  


“sometimes i guess, but not too much.” a pause, “i like going with the flow, you know what i mean?”

  


_ maybe it would sound convincing.  _

  


“doesn’t it scare you?” jihyo prodded further.

  


“careful, you’ll stain the saint laurent,” sana tried to joke, but jihyo panicked and fumbled a bit before realising that sana was just messing with her. the coat was too expensive for her not to worry, but it was safe.

  


“hey! i’m being serious,” jihyo whined as soon the realisation hit her. 

  


the future? who doesn’t think about it?

  


_ to no end, _ sana thought.

  


“not particularly.” she answered instead. jihyo doesn’t notice the glitch in her voice.

  


“oh, that must be nice.” jihyo mumbled, sounding almost jealous. sana could see her looking down at their interlocked hands, she leaned to rest her head on her shoulder. 

  


and perhaps, sana secretly enjoyed the insidious smugness she felt when jihyo thought of her as self assured and consciously mysterious. it made her feel like her actions had some purpose. she wanted jihyo to think of her like this.

  


however, heaven knew jihyo was more purposeful at every level. she liked to believe jihyo thought she was the same. she envied jihyo a little. maybe they both envied each other a little. 

  


it all felt beautiful until she thought of the impending walk home and the lonely smoke she’d have in the dead of the night, after jihyo would invariably kick her out. it reduced everything to shambles, this thing they had.

  
  
  


.

  
  
  
  


sana held jihyo as she came down from her orgasm. their naked bodies pressed together in the dimly lit room as they stood on their knees on jihyo’s king sized bed, time unknown. jihyo whimpered as sana left open mouthed kissed down her neck and shoulder, busy hands gripped at jihyo’s soft skin. praises were whispered in her ear. 

  


sana’s fingers were relentless, and unimaginably talented, and jihyo’s mind was a complete blur. she didn’t know where her hands were. her hair stuck to her forehead because of the sweat, her body was sticky and hot all over.

  


“you’re doing so well, baby, come for me again,” sana pleaded into her ear. jihyo’s knees almost gave out.

  


before she knew it, she was screaming profanities and coming all over again under sana’s fingers. tears nearly spilled out of her eyes at the overstimulation because sana wouldn’t stop going at it. her fourth orgasm tonight.

  


she collapsed into sana’s body, chest heaving and hand grabbing at anything for support. sana held her firmly, kissed all the marks she’d already left on jihyo’s neck. she ran a hand through jihyo’s short hair to push it out of her face, massaging gently. jihyo could fall asleep like this. jihyo could stay like this forever.

  


minatozaki sana would be the death of jihyo.

  
  
  
  


.

  
  
  
  
  


the law firm cafeteria was curiously silent for a tuesday afternoon. myoui mina sat cross legged across from jihyo. discomfort lured in the air. surely, mina didn’t understand why she was being asked to come here, jihyo and her hardly spoke despite being colleagues. 

  


the thing is, jihyo herself didn’t know where to start. she knew mina was the lesser protective of sana’s friends. momo would’ve punched her if she’d asked her for advice, because though she looked clueless most of the time, momo was terrifyingly loyal to her best friends. 

  


“uh, i don’t know how to say this,” jihyo started. mina just stared and waited for her to continue, “it’s about sana, alright. i worry about her.” mina just stared at her a little more, and then finally let out a sigh.

  


“sana is perfectly fine,” mina stated. her casual tone pricked jihyo a little. 

  


“is she really? because every time i offer help she backs away, she avoids talking about her issues, she worked as a stripper up until last week, not that i’m jealous-”

  


“you sure sound like you are” mina cut her off. this was getting frustrating.

  


“i’m really not, i just worry about her safety,” jihyo tried sounding firm in her argument. she was bound to be a lawyer at the end the day. she was destined to sound convincing. “i don’t understand her.”

  


at this point jihyo worried if mina and sana were even close, because she knew momo was sana’s roommate and those two were best friends. in all fairness, she’d assumed all friends worry about things like this. 

  


“what don’t you understand? you scare her, jihyo,” mina sounded annoyed, but jihyo was shocked beyond belief.

  


there’s no way sana is  _ scared _ of _ her _ . 

  


the waiter brings them their coffee. the law firm is fancy enough to hire waiters in their restaurant. jihyo stays silent for a long while, tries to rack her brain to come up with some justification. her mind fails her. 

  


she was the one who was scared of sana; her free-spiritedness, her affairs with the dark parts of the city, her ever-pensive eyes, her blind earnesty. she was frightfully afraid that sana was way too intelligent to settle for someone as prosaic as jihyo, and would one day finally realise it. 

  


“shut up, i don’t believe you.”

  


“you don’t believe me? you, park jihyo, with your billion won trust fund, your mercedes and one bhk apartment in jongno-gu, never having to worry about getting a job because you’re always at the top of your class?” mina contended. you could almost say she was angry.

  


“you’re the same as me,” jihyo muttered dumbly.

  


“that’s besides the point, jihyo. don’t pretend you don’t understand,” the japanese girl spat out, “you keep offering her money, keep asking her about her jobs and her future. all the things you have planned out? you kicked her out at 2 am last week, she was alone in the lobby because she locked herself out and momo was staying with me”

  


“sana doesn’t worry about those things,” at this stage, it was painfully obvious she had no defense. guilt was written all over jihyo’s face.

  


“she’s a fucking human being, jihyo. everybody worries about that. just because she can spout some philosophy and you have some fantastical image of her in your head doesn’t mean she’s not a twenty one year old girl, far away from home. do you know how long it’s been since she saw her parents?” mina took a deep breath in, “she does have money, her parents send her some every month, you know?”

  


“then why?” jihyo breathed out. she was having trouble processing mina’s angry words.

  


“i don’t know. maybe she feels free, maybe she loves her tiny studio apartment and living with momo. i don’t know. but i don’t question it, jihyo. there are things in this world i can’t explain. i can’t explain sana. but i don’t question it, because i love her.”

  


it all began to fall into place in jihyo’s head. she thinks of the trio; sana, momo and mina, fitting into each other like old clothes, the serene oddness of it; a mishmash of momo’s oblivious earnesty, sana’s thoughtful frivolity and mina’s unwavering level-headedness. they protected each other ever since they moved to korea together, mina’s words echoed repeatedly in jihyo’s head. 

  


mina muttered something about having to get back to a case and strutted away, leaving jihyo to stare blankly at her empty coffee cup. jihyo opened her mouth to try and say something, but closed it when she realised she was not only alone but also had nothing to say.

  
  


.

  
  


“what are you doing?” jihyo turned around to wrap an arm around sana’s waist and leaned to look into what the girl is reading, caught a few words she couldn't understand. sana seemed to have put on a t-shirt while jihyo scrolled through her phone. she was still naked under the alabaster sheets.

  


“jacques derrida,” sana told her. jihyo smelled sex on her, sunk further into the bed and pushed herself closer to sana.

  


“what about him?” she asked lazily, slipping a hand under her white t-shirt to graze her stomach. 

  


“he’s talking about how although we think talking is the purest, most authentic form of communication, we tend to underestimate writing as a form of serious dialogue. he believes we should deconstruct this idea so as to reimagine how we think about authentic communication.” jihyo hummed, listening to sana speak, she could do this for hours. she continued rubbing sana’s stomach. her muscles tightened ever so often. 

  


“you got all that from reading this?’ jihyo squinted at the words on the page. sana snorted. jihyo marvelled at how the hell sana is better than her at korean.

  


“you learn to read through the jargon. anyway, i’m kinda tired of these white dudes, they’re starting to wear me out a little,” sana sighed, “hey, did i tell you about how i helped dahyun ask chaeyoung out finally?” she changed the topic excitedly. 

  


“how are your exams coming along?’ jihyo cursed herself as soon as she said this. it was so instinctive. mina’s words resounded in her head, she felt overwhelmingly guilty. 

  


thankfully sana wasn’t deterred.

  


“uh they’re fine. i pass all, i top some, i guess,” and then she excitedly continued, “so, dahyun has liked chae for months but they’re so shy around each other…”

  


jihyo was infinitely grateful that she continued. she hummed along to the rest of her story as sana animatedly narrated it. smiled at how easily excitable sana was. she hoped sana doesn't notice the guilt written in her kisses and tugs that followed. 

  


it was past midnight.

  


_ not tonight _ , jihyo decided. she knew very well she needed a good night of sleep, which she wouldn't get if she threw sana out. she noticed the dark marks she’d left on sana's neck and thought of utterly unabashed sana was about about them, how she would leave her house flaunting them. jihyo would lose her internship if she did that. 

  


so she soothed sana’s hair and kissed her ear, pressed their bodies together in a sort of functional manner for warmth, because this city was never not cold. she hoped sana had noticed the yellow lights she’d bought and fixed by herself in the bedroom so sana could read. it was only so that she doesn’t go out in the rain, of course, she didn’t need sana falling sick and missing classes or work (and their meetings). 

  


jihyo waited for the japanese girl to fall asleep. after an hour of talking, sana trailing off, her voice slowly softening and her breath evening out. her head was buried in jihyo’s neck.

  


jihyo held her tight the entire night.

  
  
  
  


.

  
  
  
  
  


** jihyo**

_ meet me at the han river at 9 pm on friday? _

_ [wednesday 6:34 pm] _

  


sana stared at her phone as she waited by the river, exactly where jihyo said they should meet. her bag was heavy with her laptop and books. she wore she sweatpants and a turtle-neck sweater to protect herself from the harsh cold. 

  


she didn’t know why they weren’t just meeting at jihyo’s place like usual, maybe she was trying to break up. 

  


she checked her watch, it was 9:22 pm.

  


then she saw jihyo hurrying towards her, clad in a formal blazer underneath her saint laurent overcoat. probably coming straight from her fancy internship at the fancy law firm.

  


“i’m so sorry! things got so busy at work and professor taecyeon asked me to take over some other case. hope you haven’t been waiting for long.” she rambled. 

  


“no, no. it’s all cool,” sana tried to calm her down. 

  


they walked along the river, the sky was cloudy and the wind chilly. it was autumn, in all its glory. they were both a tiny bit afraid of it raining. 

  


but the skyline across the river was as magnificent and grand as ever. the lights so stark in comparison to the black sky. the noise and bustle evident just from the looks of it. sana and jihyo were both reminded of why they lived here, why they loved it even when it’s so difficult. 

  


the river was even more beautiful, so readily reflecting the imposing city. so deep and whole next to all the suffering and uncertainty. 

  


“so, you don’t think this is cliched, right?” jihyo inquired nervously. she was fidgeting with her hands again, not knowing what to do with them. sana had learnt that this is her nervous habit. 

  


so she took jihyo’s hand in hers and assured the woman that this is perfect, which is the truth. some cliches are there for a reason, there’s a reason the ten million people in seoul make a trip to the riverside once in a while. it’s the place for reflection. it’s the place to ponder and to love and to forget the worries of daily routine. 

  


they continued walking, the river stretched on forever. 

  


“is there a river in osaka?” jihyo asked sana. 

  


“oh, several. it’s a coastal city too. being by water has been like second nature to me since forever,” sana answered, “my parents and i loved going to the beach. i spent lots of time there, even during winters. i even know how to play volleyball, though i’m a bit clumsy.”

  


jihyo tried to be as attentive as possible. reminded herself of all the things she’s got wrong. how she’s missed the plain fact that sana was a child once too, just like her, was a daughter to someone, and perhaps had friends back home. 

  


she longed to know more about her. 

  


jihyo hated herself. hated how ignorant and childish she’s been. but like always, they slip into easy conversation and sana held her hand the entire time. 

  


“oh shit, i almost forgot! i brought wine,” sana let out a ‘ooo’ when jihyo produced a bottle of white wine from her bag. they found a bench to sit on, in a more secluded area. sana lit a cigarette. 

  


“how much is this?” sana asked as she examines the bottle. it’s fancy enough to not have a price tag.

  


“two hundred thousand won,” jihyo was too distracted by the river and her thoughts as she said it, then bit her tongue.

  


sana was about to subtly put the bottle away, but jihyo just told her she was being ridiculous. it was a gift from her mother anyway. and good wine is always expensive. 

  


they took turns to take swigs from the bottle. jihyo tried to drown her nervousness. 

  


how does she express something like this? they'd been okay fluttering about in this limbo for months, so how could tell sana something she'd probably already told her in various ways a hundred times before without repeating herself, but ensuring that sana for sure knew this time. 

  


this conversation had played out in her head so many times, but now that it was staring her in the face, it seemed all too daunting. 

  


“have you been seeing anyone since we started you know-" it was a ridiculous question to start with, but jihyo had no idea how to go about this, so she stopped herself. 

  


“you mean, have i slept with someone?” jihyo can only give her a hesitant nod, “um, let’s see, there was this girl called sooyoung in the beginning. we slept together a couple of times, but we're just friends now, and that’s all i think, but i can stop if-”

  


“no, no. that’s not what i meant,” jihyo stopped her. then paused again for a few seconds. she took a deep breath in.  _ here goes nothing. _

  


“bear with me for this. what i’m trying to say is, i realised where i went wrong, i love talking to you, sana. i could listen to you talk about anything for hours. and in some twisted way i’m scared of how i can talk to you about just anything. we’re all just bags of stories waiting to be told. and we write these stories so hard and fast, i got caught up in it and didn’t realise i was allowed to go off script.”

  


because love is hard and all that crap that people say to make things easier for themselves, despite knowing that loving is the easiest part. it’s the pressure of an honest confession, the possibility of rejection and the spectre of complexity that’s difficult.

  


“now i’m sure i don’t make sense at all,” but sana shook her head and gestured for her to continue, “i’m scared of losing you, so i didn’t let you go off script. i’m sorry. i just want you to know i love doing everything we do. i’m sorry for kicking you out because i thought someone like you would never commit and i’d be holding you back by even asking that of you. it didn’t even occur to me that i was equally scared of how serious this had become.

  


“i loved it so much when you stayed over the other night, making breakfast for you and watching you brush your teeth” she hesitated before continuing, “what i mean is; i’m fond of you. i’m terribly fond of you. one can even say i love you, and i’m shit scared it won’t be enough. because i’ve troubled you enough with the money talk, the college talk and lecturing you about sleep. but it doesn’t matter to me if you take my money or if you have a job in mind or if you study for your exams. i’m sure you worry enough about those things without me badgering you.”

  


she held back tears, sana was gazing at her expectantly, a small smile danced on her lips.

  


“i only care if you stay with me. please stay with me.” 

  


before she could say any more she was interrupted by a pair of soft lips on hers. sana pressed against her urgently and they kissed as though in a rush. jihyo’s words died on her lips as she fully immersed herself in sana. she let sana’s tongue slip into her mouth and let her ruthlessly bit her lower lip.

  


sana cupped jihyo’s face in her palms and held her in place as she moaned. the wine bottle was on the ground, long forgotten. jihyo gripped sana’s arm with one hand while with the other she touched her stomach to caress it.

  


“you don’t even mind my cigarette breath?” sana teased as she pulled away.

  


“not even one bit,” affirmed jihyo. 

  


sana grinned and leaned back in to kiss her one more time.

  


“i’m in love with you, park jihyo. have been for a while,” she said and pressed their foreheads together. 

  


so after a long time, sana felt safe, at home, here in jihyo’s embrace. and on the other hand, jihyo realised home did not always mean security.

  


it was not the most convenient arrangement, but jihyo wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> please give me criticism! i'm still very unsure about my writing style, so i would really appreciate if you guys left comments :)
> 
> twitter - @c0mrademomo


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